45 Grannies

I have quoted my friend Dwayne many times. He used to say (and probably still does say,) “people are funnier than anybody.”

A few weeks ago I was on a plane from London to Atlanta. I had settled into an aisle seat, gotten myself comfortable and began to read. I was pretty much ready for the nine plus hours of travel. A nice young lady came up to me and asked me if I could swap seats so that her aunt could sit beside someone she knew. I agreed and before I could get to my new seat, I was traded again. Of course, I didn’t care. All of these trades kept me in aisle seats.

When I finally settled down, I was beside two nice British women, Nan and Janet.

Janet said something like, “you aren’t going to be trouble, are you.”

I just explained that I’d just take off my shoes and would read or sleep for most of the trip.

“You’ll not take off your shoes and you won’t sleep much because we will need to be walking every 30-45 minutes and, since we’ll be drinking a lot of water to remain hydrated, we’ll need to go the lavatory often too,” Janet said, with Nan nodding.

I told them, “I don’t think so.”

We talked a bit and I asked them if they were on holiday and if this was their first trip to America. They explained to me that, yes it was their first trip and that they were part of a tour group: 45 women (late 60s, early 70s) from northern England. They had taken the four hour bus ride to London that morning.

“Where are you going in the US,” I asked.

“We’re going to Graceland, the Jack Daniels distillery and Houston.”

“I can’t believe that they are going to get 45 nice British women all liquored up and then take them to NASA.”

By this time, we were in the air and the nice crew came by offering refreshments. I had water. Nan AND Janet had white wine. Two bottles each. This was not exactly what I had in mind when they said, “Stay hydrated.”

As it turned out, the tour is actually a two week whirlwind tour that goes from Atlanta, has several stops in Tennessee, Mississippi and New Orleans and finally ends in Houston. They will see some of the great places the South has to offer: The Georgia Aquarium, Lookout Mountain, The Grand Ole Opry, and several Civil war era homes in Vicksburg, MS. They’re even going to eat an Authentic Southern Meal. (Well hush my mouth.)

“What should we expect in a southern meal?” Nan asked.

I explained that whatever it was, they could expect the meat to be either smoked or fried. If they were lucky, they may even get some turnip greens and cornbread, if they were lucky. The tea would be iced and sweet, just like God intended.

Nan rang for more white wine.

Before we got off the plane in Atlanta, I asked the ladies if they would be buying velvet Elvis paintings at Graceland.

Nan said, “We’ll buy something really nice there, I’m sure. I just hope Priscilla is not there. Elvis would be alive and singing today if it wasn’t for her.”

Well welcome to America, Nan. Welcome to America.